It’s pretty amazing how familiar this sounds, even without any actual content. There are so many aspects of our arguments with loved ones that seem universal. Certainly in any one relationship, there are common “re-runs” of the same argument over and over. The individual topics might be the same or they might vary.
Every relationship has these in one flavor or another but some relationships weather them better. These conflicts may leave you feeling frustrated, stuck, and misunderstood. They can sometimes cut to the core and leave you feeling painfully hurt, abandoned and lonely. But it is also possible that they might be just a source of mild irritation and good hearted teasing.
Research out of the Gottman Institute shows some pretty specific differences in what couples actually do in these discussions. In distressed relationships, communication is rife with criticism, blame, defensiveness, and contempt toward each other. One or both partners often turns away and withdraws emotionally.
Couples like the one in the video get stuck in these patterns. Partners create a dance in which their attempts to manage the pain of disconnection actually elicits the most painful response from their partner. Withdrawing creates an intolerable feeling of abandonment, but it might at least keep things from getting worse. Putting up a wall is often an attempt to protect our most important relationship from the escalation that seems inevitable. Criticizing may make your partner feel unloved and unaccepted, but it is often a way of protesting the lack of connection. Getting bigger and louder may be a fear response to an experience of abandonment or loss of the person that matters the most.
Neither of these reactions make any sense to your partner unless they understand what is happening between you at the deepest levels of emotional need. But when we do understand this dance, we can start to notice it happening as if we are watching it from the balcony of a theater. It can start to look like the one in the video in which we know that it’s not really about the content but rather a need to reconnect with a foundation of love and acceptance. Then the content can be addressed in a safer and easier way.
