Stuck in a rut?

One of the most common patterns that highjack intimate relationship is a pursue/criticize <->  withdraw/defend pattern.  When caught in this dance, both partners feel the pain and yearning for more connection and intimacy.  However it looks quite different from the outside, and from each other’s perspective.  

When a pursuer feels rejected and alone they often protect themselves from these feelings by getting angry, indignant, and frustrated.  

They tell themselves that their partners:

• Are emotionally stunted
• Don’t care for them
• Are self absorbed and unavailable
• etc.

Pursuers criticize and fight and yell and provoke in the hopes that their partners will finally understand their desperate needs and lonliness.  They are protesting and fighting for the closeness that is missing for both of them.

However, “I love you and I want more of you” is not exactly the message getting conveyed.  The defensive withdrawer is often only hearing anger and condemnation which leaves them feeling blamed and helpless and unaccepted.  They too are feeling rejected and alone and move into the “safer” feelings of anger, frustration, exasperation etc.  

They tell themselves that their partners:

• Are overly emotional
• Can never be satisfied
• Don’t appreciate all the things they do.
• etc.

They defend themselves or pull away because the experience of that anger and condemnation is too painful.  They don’t know how to make things better and they don’t want to make things worse, so they put up a wall to protect themselves... and to protect the relationship from another escalated fight that leaves both people feeling terrible.  

Unfortunately, this wall makes the pursuer feel even more alone and uncared for, leading ultimately to criticism and blame.  This leads the withdrawer feeling even more unaccepted and hopeless, leading to more defending and withdrawing.  

Both people want to feel loved and connected and secure.  But the ways they deal with feeling disconnected actually evokes the response in their partner that is the most likely to leave them feeling even worse.  Fully understanding this pattern helps couples to stop it mid stride; to fight together against this unhealthy dance instead of fighting against each other.  It is very hard work because it requires a willingness to feel and express the vulnerability inherent in loving someone deeply.  Yet it is actually through this vulnerability that we can find the intimacy and security we all need.

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

I spent quite a bit of time thinking about how to post this TED Talk without letting the title scare people away. As Dr. Brown says in this talk, “Vulnerability sucks.  I wanted to learn all about it so I could kick it’s ass.” And yet she learned through her research that vulnerability is the source of connection, and that connection is what gives us purpose and meaning in our lives.  “What we know is that the ability to feel connected is why we are here...It is neuro-biologically how we are wired.”

She discovered that the thing which most disrupts connection is shame, defined as the fear of disconnection.  It is the universal belief that if we let our imperfect selves be fully seen, we won't be worthy of connection.  She found that the difference between people who feel a strong sense of love and belonging and people who struggle for it, is whether or not they feel they are worthy of love and belonging.  Allowing ourselves to have compassion for ourselves, to know and to share our vulnerability is the core of closeness and connection.

It reminds me of a story I heard told by Jack Kornfield about a group of Buddhist monks who were given a variety of psychological evaluations.  Researchers found that these monks had similar unresolved personal, psychological, and occupational issues as typical Americans. The difference that Kornfield noted in his talk was that these monks were not ashamed of these issues.  Rather, they were kind of amused by them.  He suggested that the happiness and peace that these meditators feel in their lives is possible because their issues do not lead to self criticism.  In other words, they do not cause the monks to feel less worthy.  The do not cause feelings of shame.

In her TED talks, Dr. Brown shares her personal and academic discoveries in her research.  With humor and humility, she shares her insights about love, connection, compassion and parenting.  Take the time to watch them.  They are well worth the 20 minutes.

And here is part 2...

Check Your Baggage

How Self Awareness Can Improve Your Parenting

Every one of us has some amount of “baggage” that we carry with us from childhood. Every one of us was once a little person who experienced a caregiver being unresponsive, or a time when we felt lonely, out of control, ashamed, etc.  No parent can eliminate these experiences for their kids.  In fact, to do so would take away important opportunities needed for healthy development.  In families that provide a general foundation of enough safety, security, predictability and nurturing, these experiences allow for growth and maturation.  In families that are neglectful or abusive, they are more intense and more destructive. 

We learn about ourselves and relationships from our early experiences with the people who are close to us.  How can I expect to be treated?  How can I get taken care of if I feel sad or lonely, angry, or afraid? How do people react when I am confident and successful?  Our answers to these questions are the basis for our future patterns of relationship - to ourselves, to our children, to our partners and friends. They can often be credited for helping us survive very difficult situations. And they can be the cornerstones of healthy adult relationships.  When I talk about “baggage” however, I am talking about the ways in which our answers (or pieces of answers) to these questions create relationship patterns that are aren’t as effective now that we are adults.  These beliefs and relationship patterns develop when we are young and immature. They help to form our strategies and styles of connection in our relationships but they often do not mature with the rest of us.

A classic example is common in adult children of alcoholics.  If an addicted parent is neglectful, needy, or unpredictable, their children will feel out of control and anxious.  Many children will try to manage this by adopting family roles which preserve their connections and attempt to create some feeling of security.  They may be the peace-keeper or try to defend, excuse, or distract people from painful interactions.  Their success in these areas helps to compensate for their vulnerability and help them feel in control, capable and safe. These coping skills help a child survive emotionally.  But they can cause problems later in adult relationships. 

Parenthood is the perfect way to trigger our baggage because we have entered into an adult-child relationship again. We may identify with our kids and try to compensate for our own unsatisfied longing.  We may unconsciously recreate difficult dynamics as a way of avoiding feeling our own loss.  Sometimes we become overly lenient and protective or overly rigid and demanding.  We may become withdrawn and distant or involved in an unhealthy way that makes it harder for kids to grow up.  When kids hit the ages at which we experienced a loss, our baggage can be triggered even more.

Working at understanding our baggage, and the ways it shows up in our relationships with our kids, is a huge gift to them.  It allows us to notice more easily when we are responding from the part of us that is the mature adult parent, and when we are responding from the place we were when we first tried to figure out how emotional relationships work.  We all go to these places.  But when we can see it coming or notice we are there, we can better show up with our “adult selves” for our kids and their “young selves.”  We can even model a curiosity and willingness to learn from our mistakes... because goodness knows, we all make plenty of them.

"What are you gonna DO about it?" Intention Matters

Sit. Sit! Sit!

I give parenting talks at preschools and frequently get questions about how to avoid the need to repeat a request 10 times.  I recently ran into a mom who had been to one of those talks and told me that the most helpful part for her was a story about training dogs.  “I always think about that when I’m trying to get my kids to do something and they aren’t listening!” she said.  So here it is:

In college and graduate school I worked as a dog trainer.  I taught classes with 5-8 people and their dogs.  Because it is easier to un-train a dog than to train a dog, my philosophy was to teach people to train their own dogs instead of having me do it.  With every group there would come a point when the owners would start repeating the commands while the dogs acted like they couldn’t hear them.  Sound familiar?

The dogs had already been taught to “heal,” which means that they would walk right next their people on the left side and sit automatically as soon as they stopped.  I asked the group to walk around in a circle with their dogs in a “heal” position until I asked them to stop.  I told them, “Give your dog a second to sit without you saying anything.  If they don’t sit, tell them to sit.  If they don’t listen, tell them again.  If they still don’t listen, tell them a third time and then put them in the sitting position by gently pulling up on the leash and pushing down on their rump.” 

Practically every dog in the class would stay standing when the owner stopped and stay standing after the first two “sit” commands. But almost all of them would sit after the third command, before the owner actually placed them in the sit position.  Why?  Because dogs are very sensitive to body language and tone of voice and therefore to intention.  The dogs knew that their people didn’t really mean it the first couple of times.

Children have similarly tuned antennae. Kids can feel it when you ask them to do something at a time when you can’t walk away from the pan cooking on the stove, or don’t want to get up off the couch after a long day. It feels very different to hear a parent holler, “Stop hitting your sister!” from the next room if you know that they are on their way in to deal with the problem.

This is partly why it helps so much to get down on your child’s level, touch their shoulder, and ask them to look at your eyes when they are focusing on something and you want them to shift gears.  This helps them to “unlock” from whatever they are doing.  But it also demonstrates a level of involvement and intention. They can feel the fact that you are there to make sure whatever you are asking of them actually happens.

Intention isn’t the be all and end all.  It doesn’t create perfectly attentive and compliant children.  But it does make a difference.  And like everything else with kids (and dogs) it works best when it is consistent. 

A Classic Fight About Nothing

It’s pretty amazing how familiar this sounds, even without any actual content.  There are so many aspects of our arguments with loved ones that seem universal.  Certainly in any one relationship, there are common “re-runs” of the same argument over and over.  The individual topics might be the same or they might vary. 

Every relationship has these in one flavor or another but some relationships weather them better.  These conflicts may leave you feeling frustrated, stuck, and misunderstood.  They can sometimes cut to the core and leave you feeling painfully hurt, abandoned and lonely.  But it is also possible that they might be just a source of mild irritation and good hearted teasing.

Research out of the Gottman Institute shows some pretty specific differences in what couples actually do in these discussions.  In distressed relationships, communication is rife with criticism, blame, defensiveness, and contempt toward each other.  One or both partners often turns away and withdraws emotionally. 

Couples like the one in the video get stuck in these patterns.  Partners create a dance in which their attempts to manage the pain of disconnection actually elicits the most painful response from their partner.  Withdrawing creates an intolerable feeling of abandonment, but it might at least keep things from getting worse.  Putting up a wall is often an attempt to protect our most important relationship from the escalation that seems inevitable.  Criticizing may make your partner feel unloved and unaccepted, but it is often a way of protesting the lack of connection.  Getting bigger and louder may be a fear response to an experience of abandonment or loss of the person that matters the most.

Neither of these reactions make any sense to your partner unless they understand what is happening between you at the deepest levels of emotional need. But when we do understand this dance, we can start to notice it happening as if we are watching it from the balcony of a theater.  It can start to look like the one in the video in which we know that it’s not really about the content but rather a need to reconnect with a foundation of love and acceptance.  Then the content can be addressed in a safer and easier way.

Just Fix It: A Perspective

It's Not About The Nail

If its not about the trailer (see post 2012), its also not about the nail. Easier said than done.

This YouTube video was sent to me by at least 5 “fixers” in my couples therapy practice. Yes, they were all men, which fits the stereotype... and the statistics. Men are more likely to focus on the solution to a problem rather than the feelings about it. Of course, we know that plenty of women are fixers too. Regardless of gender, the partners of fixers often feel unheard when they try to share life’s struggles.

The thing I love about this video though, is that it so poignantly shows the dilemma of “the fixer.” It is very hard to slow down and listen to your partner’s problem when it seems so much more useful to solve it. When you have been socialized to roll up your sleeves and jump in to take care of any problem, and your partner is hurting, the most loving and caring thing to do seems obvious: Figure out what is causing the problem and change it.

Although this video spoof presents the clear message that all you need to do is take the darn nail out, relationships are more complicated than this. Unfortunately for fixers, we know that in order to deepen intimacy, the listening has to come first. Active and interested listening helps build a connection that solves the deeper “problem”: The innate need to feel known, accepted, and close. With this as a foundation, advice may be be eventually desired and even gratefully accepted.

This video shows how challenging and “illogical” this can seem. But I have also seen quite a few fixers find relief in this realization: “You mean all I have to do is listen?” Hard to believe... but often quite true.

It's Not About The Trailer: Part 2

                                                         Horse Sense And Friendship


“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”
-- W.C. Fields

Horses make great friends. The relationship between the teenage girl and her horse is iconic.  The Academy Award nominated movie, War Horse, was about a horse whose profound connections (formed instantly, just as Hollywood likes it) compelled him and his people to risk their lives for each other over and over.  To “ride off into the sunset” has become an idiom for the romantic happy ending.

A lot of people think of a stable and reliable friendship as somehow dampening romance and intimate connection in committed relationships. Or they think that the romance in their relationship has faded and only the friendship remains. When you dig deeper, what you’ll find is that the quality of the friendship has faded and taken the romance with it.  Most relationships don’t split up as a result of fighting or even affairs.  Most split up as a result of emotional disengagement and security.  We often don’t have the horse sense to know that the friendship and trust in our relationships have to come first.

Be A Better Horse

Horses are huge and strong, but unbelievably perceptive.  They can feel a tiny fly land on their fur. They can turn their ears to listen to sound on all sides of them. Their field of vision is significantly wider than ours. They are also very sensitive to emotions.  Horses know each other and their owners accurately and deeply. 

Successful couples do this as well.  They are curious about each other.  They keep current about each other’s lives at every level.  When people are beginning a relationship, they spend hours talking about their families, friends, work, hobbies, likes, dislikes, and values.  Non-judgmental attention creates an emotional connection and safety which helps to draw them closer.  When people commit to each other and get into their busy lives they often stop doing this. People change and mature through every life stage and it is important to stay up to date and stay connected. 

This means listening to details about each other’s day but it also means talking about deeper feelings and ideas. What would your partner like to change or accomplish in their friendships or work lives? How do they feel about the kids growing up?  What are their biggest stressors or sources of inspiration? Talking about these types of things, and listening without trying to fix problems, helps keep a friendship strong and emotionally connected.

Sometimes this is easy to do and people just don’t get around to doing it.  Sometimes it can be hard to do because couples get into cycles of criticism and defensiveness/withdrawing.  This cycle can be hard to avoid when painful issues within the relationship have been left unaddressed.  Also, the desire to “fix” things for our partners often gets in the way of these conversations.  Couples usually want to feel heard by someone they can trust to just listen and not judge.  Fixing is often felt as an attempt to shut down the expression of the feelings. 

If you come home and tell your partner that you hate your boss, a response such as, “What did she do?” or “Yeah, he is a jerk sometimes. What happened?” feels like your partner is supporting you and wanting to share your life.  If they say, “I told you to get another job a month ago.” or “You should ask him what you are doing wrong.” or “You can’t keep complaining about it unless you are going to do something to change it.” shuts down the conversation and misses an opportunity to deepen friendship.  We all have the desire to be effective caretakers.  This help may or may not be welcome (always a good idea to ask) but it should wait until your partner feels like you know what they are experiencing and what it means to them.

“A horse doesn’t care how much you know until he knows how much you care.”
---Pat Parelli

I know that none of this seems particularly romantic or sexy, but that brings me back to, “It’s not about the trailer.”  Elizabeth Taylor said, “Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.”  It makes sense.