Research has shown us a lot about what happens in relationships that last, and what happens in relationships that split apart. The bottom line is that all of us need to feel emotionally connected and safe with our partners. We need to be able to trust that we matter, that our partners accept us and value us. We need to know that when we reach out, our partners will be there to receive us.
Primates are hard wired to need this. One study showed that baby monkeys would choose to cuddle with a soft mother figure without food rather than a hard metal mother figure with food. The babies would choose the feeling of comfort and closeness, even if it meant they were left hungry.
Human babies can fail to thrive if not held and touched, even if their physical needs are met. We are not designed to "grow out of" these needs. They are lifelong and the emotions that come up when we feel this security is threatened are involuntary. In every relationship there are arguments and misunderstandings. Almost 70% of these problems are not actually solvable. If I tend to be messy and you like things clean, that's not going to change. But in a secure relationship where both people feel known, supported, and loved, these differences tend to be irritating rather than painful. There are enough reserves in the "emotional bank account" to repair hurtful interactions when they do occur.
Relationships that have lost this sense of security and closeness can absolutely repair and rebuild. Learning about the negative patterns of interaction that occur in your relationship can help you create and experience something new (or something old that has been lost) in which the fighting and loneliness are replaced with warmth and connection.
