One of the most common patterns that highjack intimate relationship is a pursue/criticize <-> withdraw/defend pattern. When caught in this dance, both partners feel the pain and yearning for more connection and intimacy. However it looks quite different from the outside, and from each other’s perspective.
When a pursuer feels rejected and alone they often protect themselves from these feelings by getting angry, indignant, and frustrated.
They tell themselves that their partners:
- Are emotionally stunted
- Don’t care for them
- Are self absorbed and unavailable
- etc.
Pursuers criticize and fight and yell and provoke in the hopes that their partners will finally understand their desperate needs and lonliness. They are protesting and fighting for the closeness that is missing for both of them.
However, “I love you and I want more of you” is not exactly the message getting conveyed. The defensive withdrawer is often only hearing anger and condemnation which leaves them feeling blamed and helpless and unaccepted. They too are feeling rejected and alone and move into the “safer” feelings of anger, frustration, exasperation etc.
They tell themselves that their partners:
- Are overly emotional
- Can never be satisfied
- Don’t appreciate all the things they do.
- etc.
They defend themselves or pull away because the experience of that anger and condemnation is too painful. They don’t know how to make things better and they don’t want to make things worse, so they put up a wall to protect themselves... and to protect the relationship from another escalated fight that leaves both people feeling terrible.
Unfortunately, this wall makes the pursuer feel even more alone and uncared for, leading ultimately to criticism and blame. This leads the withdrawer feeling even more unaccepted and hopeless, leading to more defending and withdrawing.
Both people want to feel loved and connected and secure. But the ways they deal with feeling disconnected actually evokes the response in their partner that is the most likely to leave them feeling even worse. Fully understanding this pattern helps couples to stop it mid stride; to fight together against this unhealthy dance instead of fighting against each other. It is very hard work because it requires a willingness to feel and express the vulnerability inherent in loving someone deeply. Yet it is actually through this vulnerability that we can find the intimacy and security we all need.
