It's Not About The Nail
If its not about the trailer (see post 2012), its also not about the nail. Easier said than done.
This YouTube video was sent to me by at least 5 “fixers” in my couples therapy practice. Yes, they were all men, which fits the stereotype... and the statistics. Men are more likely to focus on the solution to a problem rather than the feelings about it. Of course, we know that plenty of women are fixers too. Regardless of gender, the partners of fixers often feel unheard when they try to share life’s struggles.
The thing I love about this video though, is that it so poignantly shows the dilemma of “the fixer.” It is very hard to slow down and listen to your partner’s problem when it seems so much more useful to solve it. When you have been socialized to roll up your sleeves and jump in to take care of any problem, and your partner is hurting, the most loving and caring thing to do seems obvious: Figure out what is causing the problem and change it.
Although this video spoof presents the clear message that all you need to do is take the darn nail out, relationships are more complicated than this. Unfortunately for fixers, we know that in order to deepen intimacy, the listening has to come first. Active and interested listening helps build a connection that solves the deeper “problem”: The innate need to feel known, accepted, and close. With this as a foundation, advice may be be eventually desired and even gratefully accepted.
This video shows how challenging and “illogical” this can seem. But I have also seen quite a few fixers find relief in this realization: “You mean all I have to do is listen?” Hard to believe... but often quite true.
